What I am about to tell you is for real. It’s not made up. It’s not something that happened to someone else.

It literally is MY story.

It seems my account is different than most. It’s not the typical “I almost did it—but I didn’t. Thank God…”

Mine is, “I did it. Now I live with it; I hurt and ache so bad for doing it.”

I’m speaking of when I was 19 years old and selfishly ended my 9 week pregnancy with abortion. Yes I said it. You heard correctly. That thought still rips my heart out today. What could have been rips my heart out today, 8 years later.

I was in a physical relationship but not married to a man I loved. I knew I shouldn’t have been having sex before marriage, but I just took what I knew and tried to forget about it. I ended up pregnant. The thought of telling my parents, going to the church I had grown up in with a pregnant belly, the thought of the judgmental stares, disappointing those that I cared about…it was overwhelming. The older adults at the church thought I was a perfect example, a great influence, a true follower of Christ. They bragged about what a sweet young lady I was becoming. I loved being thought of that way. I loved the admiration. I was different in their eyes than most of the girls my age who were out partying and drinking.

So, I didn’t want to disappoint them or anyone close to me. And if I told I was pregnant, that I was having a physical relationship with my boyfriend…all that would be gone… and I would be looked at in disgust…right?

And I didn’t even want to imagine what telling my mom would be like.

Another fear I had about being pregnant was the weight gain. I had been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for several years. The thought of gaining weight was too much for me! Everyone would call me fat! Gaining weight was NOT an option! I had worked far too hard in my compulsive exercise and obsessing about EVERY calorie. I would get on the scale at least 20 times a day to make sure I wasn’t gaining an ounce and I was devastated if I did.

I remember being the only one at the abortion clinic crying. The girl across the waiting room was laughing about how this was her 3rd abortion. She was out a lot of money she said. Another girl said she was tired of waiting and just wanted to get out of there and be done so she could just go eat lunch. How could these women NOT cry?! My heart did not want to do it. My head said I had no choice. And I went through with it… thinking one day I may get lucky and get over it or at least hurt a little less.

So I went in, screaming as the procedure was being done. I was in so much pain. The doctor and nurse warned me to quit screaming so I wouldn’t scare the other girls after me from doing it. So I weakly stood up afterwards and put my clothes on, sobbing the whole time. Their attitude was if they were saying, “Quick, get ready so the next girl can come in here and get the same thing done. Tick tock. Hurry up. You’ll get some pain meds on the way out.”

I’m crying so heavily that I can barely see, and then as I’m getting dressed, at the end of the bed I see a white bucket. A plain white bucket. And that’s where they throw God’s beautiful creation of life away.

That’s where I threw it away…In the plain white bucket.

I guess depending on how far along you are there is more or less to see…But all I know is I could see…I could tell…and they had figured I was only 9 weeks by the ultrasound taken. To them it was just a bloody mess.

So obviously, as that young girl I described myself to be before…you know the one who everyone thought so highly of…well, I definitely won’t score any points there for telling my story. And perhaps I will now get those stares of rejection that I tried to avoid years ago. Now I may get, “There is the girl that had the abortion. How could anyone love her now?”

But maybe , God please, just maybe … I can convince a young, terrified girl to spare the life of her beautiful precious gift that You created. You created God. Man did not create. You did. I tried to play You that day…and this is what it has left me with--so much emptiness. More than I ever was able to comprehend.

My heart will always long to know him or her, and what could have been. How much would he or she weigh at birth? Who would he or she look like growing up? How much would that first smile melt my heart?

Thank you Jesus for your forgiveness; that you have forgiven something so shameful and appalling. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. I’m not counting on it. I still hurt so bad. Please tell her or him how much I love them now even though it is too late for me to do so… and please don’t ever tell them what happened. Oh, please don’t tell them what I did and why they are there before they ever got the chance to see Your trees Your grass, the beautiful sunset. I long to feel that little one hugging me. Please help me with this pain even though I deserve to suffer for what I did. God help me. I pray I can meet this precious one some day…but I don’t know how I will be able to look them in the face. If there is any way possible…please let them love me as I love them now one day…since it is too late for me to tell them myself.

You see, now, 8 years later and married, I have a beautiful, healthy baby boy. For whatever reason, God had mercy on me and this little boy is a gift from Him--a blessing to my soul that I certainly do not deserve. I love him to pieces! I kiss him at least a thousand times a day. And then I think, “How in the world could I have done that,” when I look into his innocent face and he babbles back at me, smiling the whole time.

If I could have fathomed the measure of love I have now for my baby…never ever EVER would I have ended my baby’s life. Not in a million years.

Baby that I never knew…. Mommy loves you to pieces...

-Emily

Last edited on Sat Jun 21st, 2008 02:57 am by Emily